So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
