At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
