There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
