can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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