i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
