you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
