just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
