I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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