well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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