I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
