2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
