The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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