When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
