READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
