all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
why is half of my head shaved?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
