y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
