I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
