my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This is the high leading the old right now
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
