i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
sarcasm needs its own font
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
