Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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