don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
