If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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