Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
