Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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