Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
