I will die if light touches me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
