I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
