Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
