burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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