She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
