Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
