If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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