roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
