what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
