I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
