For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize