If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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