A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
