Don't you send me to vm
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
