I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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