I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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