I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I didn't notice because vodka
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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