JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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