Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
