HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
