she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
