bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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