Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You're like the curious george of whores
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
