Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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