Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
