she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
