Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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