im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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