maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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