Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
