I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
